After Fast & Furious 9 blasted Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris into space (in a car) it was hard to see what route this multi-billion-dollar franchise could possibly take next.
Judged by the mess of Fast X, they had no roadmap either.
Warning signs were already blinking when longtime director Justin Lin quit the steering wheel just days into production.
Still, eleven movies in, this entertainment juggernaut basically drives itself.
I’d recap the story so far – but I’d need all day.
Even the screenwriters have clearly lost the plot on the tangled web of interconnected histories that now bind street-racer turned heist operative turned international agent Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) to his ever-expanding ‘family’.
The emotional thrust is that Dom is being hunted down by an androgynous super-villain called Dante ‘it rhymes with ‘enchanté’ Reyes (Jason Momoa), the vengeance-seeking son of a dead drug lord on a sadistic mission to make our bald, gruff-but-loveable patriarch ‘suffer’ by targeting those he loves.
Given Dom’s loved ones now encompass a Marvel-Universe-sized ensemble cast (currently including Charlize Theron, , Helen Mirren, , Jason Statham – and that’s just the A-list), Dante has his work cut out – hence Fast X is actually a part 1 of a 2-part franchise farewell.
It’s not that Fast X is bad, it’s just long and incoherent. The outrageous amount of set pieces are untethered to any shred of reality.
E.g. a flaming bomb the size of Indiana Jones’s boulder barreling through Rome or Diesel landing a car out of a speeding jet and sustaining the kind of impact I’d get from a speedbump in Sainsbury’s carpark.
Though that wouldn’t matter a jot if they really took you along for the ride.
What’s missing here is that magic ‘Yippee-ki-yay!’ factor. The saving exception being Jason Momoa, the franchise’s best baddie yet, who is having an absolute ball.
‘I don’t care about anybody’s heart of gold! And I hate barbecues!’ he huffs, as he bounds between hyper-macho antics and painting his nails lilac.
Seeing what outrageous outfit he’ll wear next is the movie’s greatest pleasure.
Otherwise it’s just an eye-wateringly expensive exercise in wheel-spinning. Let’s hope part 2 fully kicks the fun into gear.
Fast X hits cinemas on May 19.
