If you’re a flower thief, be warned: is guarding his rare orchids with his life.
That may sound like a euphemism, sure, and, we suppose it kind of is, with The Grand Tour host revealing a bunch of blooms on his Diddly Squat Farm, with a name derived from the Greek word for testicle, are under threat.
In his latest musings on life on the land, Clarkson revealed his astonishment at the discovery of green-winged orchids on his property, but also his fear they could soon be plucked from the earth by thieves amid claims ‘hobbyist’ orchid collectors are targeting farms in search of rare blooms.
We would suggest not writing about having such rare fare on your farm, Clarkson, but that’s neither here nor there.
He wrote this week: ‘There are orchids on my farm. And some are very rare.
‘I know this because when they were found by members of a local horticulturalist society they all ran around clutching their tinkles.
‘It worries me that someone will steal them.’
According to Clarkson, writing in his column, ‘in recent months gardeners and landowners have been reporting a spate of wildflower thefts’, with a rare lady’s slipper orchid ‘worth about £2,000 to the hobbyists’.
The star claimed green-thumbed thieves are also targeting bluebells, snowdrops and ferns, with Clarkson worried they may look at his fields of wheat and see a pay day.
But before that, his aforementioned green-winged orchids have got him nervous, and, after discovering what their name is derived from he isn’t about to let any thieving horticulturalists take his wares.
Clarkson wrote: ‘I got out for a closer look and, I must say, they were very unimpressive. But then it was pointed out to me that orchid is derived from the Greek word orchis. Which means testicle.
‘Yes. I have green-winged testicles on my farm. And I’m going to make it my life’s work to look after them.’
You heard the man.
The former Top Gear host has been on his farming soapbox as of late, , most recently demanding that farmers shouldn’t have to jump through a million hoops in order to grow food.
After the PM responded to Clarkson’s call for the Government to prioritise farming last week, the host reached out once again asking for the leader to introduce a ‘don’t be an arse’ rule so that he can get on with producing crops with ease.
Clarkson has also previously criticised the ‘not terribly bright people’ who work in planning departments that have blocked him from making changes to his property.
Between bureaucracy and flower pinchers, it’s a hard life as a farmer.
