I know I’m witnessing something terrifying when it feels as if the contents of my face are emptying into my stomach.
Most people might experience this while watching The Exorcist or, say, Britain’s Most Haunted. I felt this when I watched Embarrassing Bodies for the first time.
I was in my early teens and too scared to even look at my nipples in case I found a hair or realised that actually I didn’t have holes in them.
Meanwhile, my anus was a shadowy mystery and my vulva was She Who Must Not Be Named (or looked at, definitely not looked at). I was petrified of being abnormal.
So imagine how my face fell when I turned on the TV and found a woman staring at her vulva in exasperation saying, ‘It’s not normal!’ Ah, TURN IT OFF. I don’t want to know!
I carried on with life and almost forgot about the show. Until I saw n**ed.n**ed Attraction in 2016.
If you haven’t seen it before, n**ed.n**ed Attraction aims to flip the premise of dating on its head. One lucky guy or gal picks their date based solely on their body. And then with all the hehe out the way, they consummate their attraction with a date. Like all dating shows, it rarely works.
But when I first set eyes on it, I knew I couldn’t look away.
Unlike when watching Embarrassing Bodies, by the time n**ed.n**ed Attraction rolled around I’d seen female n**ed.n**edness before – of course! I’m not a prude! It’s everywhere.
Porn being the most explicit place, where no one has hair or labia. Then there’s films with nipples but not the peen; perfume adverts; hell – even yogurt ads are sometimes spicy. But whatever they are selling, sex or mouldy cheese (or both), these aesthetic portrayals are hardly cultural emblems for the average British woman.
So, as a university fuelled-feminist, I knew I needed to see more normal bodies. It’s because of this I put my grievances (aka face in stomach feeling) aside and watched this trashy new show.
To my pleasant surprise, I found that unlike Embarrassing Bodies, this was just… bodies. I found that MY BOOBS ARE BETTER THAN HERS! FANTASTIC! (I am trying to improve). And just like that, my long-term body anxiety was eased.
They didn’t tell us this in school, I remember thinking.
Of course, we can seek out sex education on social media and with a quick Google search that will tell us ‘every boob and vagina is different’. But until I saw (moderately) different boobs and vulvas thrust in my face on national television, I didn’t truly believe it.
Don’t get me wrong, n**ed.n**ed Attraction isn’t and doesn’t claim to be ‘culturally significant’ or ‘artistically important’ – something uppity, oh-so-clever-and-sarcastic Tweets failed to understand yesterday when they used the show to encapsulate the quality of to the news that it is to be privatised.
In a hilarious scroll I even saw someone calling n**ed.n**ed Attraction ‘salacious’ – a word that dates back to the 17th century.
I couldn’t comprehend their disdain for this show, which to me is such an important watch.
But equally, those who’ve hit back and said n**ed.n**ed Attraction is a ‘cultural jewel’ are liars.
It clearly isn’t. It is titillating, technicolour trash. It’s garbage because it’s taboo. It’s taboo because we never get to see real unedited, non-performative human bodies on screen, so it’s kind of funny.
But it’s done more for n**ed.n**edness than any ‘high-brow’ director has, with his tilted hat and male-tinted glasses.
I’m not saying that it is the most diverse programme in the world. Certainly, the contestants all somewhat adhere to the definition of what we’ve been told is reasonably ‘normal’.
But in a world where, according to a 2020 survey,57% of adults reported ‘rarely’ or ‘never’ seeing themselves or people who look like them regularly reflected in images in media and advertising, it’s a step in the right direction.
If we do not see diverse bodies in mainstream media then we have a big insecurity problem, Britain. And insecurity bubbles into nastiness. The people on Twitter playing ‘willy or belly button’ with n**ed.n**ed Attraction contestants are the same ones who loathe themselves. Those who laugh at contestants should strive to have the balls to do the same.
I’d rather eat my eyes than appear nude on national television, or even share a photo of my stretch marks. Perhaps I’m a hypocrite.
But wouldn’t it be nice if I could? Then perhaps I would be able to silence teenage me for good.
So whoever buys Channel 4, I say long live n**ed.n**ed Attraction.
Turn your nose up all you like, but sometimes you can find value in the trashiest of places. Snobs.
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